So what?: self-love Scottish style

We all have our days, don't we? 

The days we wake up, and don't feel "on point", "together" or "gorgeous enough". Days where we feel downright "doggish", "ugly" and "unlovable".  Those days, they come, they go, but they also serve as a reminder of the absolutely extraordinary amount of kindness and self-love it takes to keep us on an even keel.  It takes a goddamn container ship of that shit to stay sane in this crazy world.  

Each time I have one of these hours/mornings/days like this, I tend to sit at my computer and write it out of me.  Not out of me exactly, but at least share the effects of this spectacular self-bruising so that one day I can inspire others like you to lift out of these dark clouds, and come at whatever the problem is with a bit more sunshine, lend it some light, rather than meet it with shadow.   Your shadow will tend to reinforce the problem, tell you that "you're right, you are not enough", but light, light lets you illuminate what's really happening, and change the entire "not enough" script. But that's another post for another day...coming soon to a screen near you...

I'm currently in Scotland, bonny beautiful Scotland, and I was fortunate enough to have this magnificent taxi driver(ess), whose name is not important, but she would be around 50 I suppose, and shines vibrantly like a diamond, the magnificent unpolished kind.    Her laugh is like  a Highland song, and the warmth radiating from her is magical.  There is a piercing fragility behind the flint of this strong Scottish woman, the small shattered shards of a woman worn down by something unseeable to me, little particles of it floating through the air of the car in which we sat.  For now though, I am just enjoying being in her presence, and we are chatting up a storm.

We had a long drive together into the country, and so throughout the course of the drive she confided in me, tenderly, that a younger man had recently shown interest in her, and she really could not work out why.  She blushed as she revealed his age, he was 15 years her junior.  Genuinely, she was stumped as to why this man would find her attractive.  I could see why as plain as day, but her, not her.  She then went on to say words that clanged in my ears, and they were "you know, I have ZERO self confidence,  I suppose that's the problem isn' it? After years of violence, real violence, I guess all I have are walls and not much else". 

In that instant, my heart dropped and my stomach sank.   This woman was magnificent and this little upstart would have been lucky to have her, in any capacity, but that's not the point.   The  sensitivity of the sentiment of what she was saying was absolutely nothing new of course, any human alive has at some point felt unworthy of love, not good enough for a range of different things in their life.   Yet it was the way she said it, with a shrug, as if it meant nothing, that really cut me to the core.   Because we all know, you know, I know, that this was the unmaking of this beautiful woman in this moment.  Those dreaded words that haunt us all, often, seldom, but absolutely sometimes: I.am.not.worth.it. 

As I type this, I let myself feel this feeling, deliberately allowing it to pierce the membranes of my cells, the sharp stab of pain intruding roughly into the calm of my morning.  Many times I have felt this myself, yet, this time, I am feeling it for us all.  To recall the slide of the blade of not being enough.  Yes, true, it's painful at first, but underneath, what we don't want to admit most of the time, is the sweet relief that follows it.   This relief then becomes our comfortable (at times constant) companion, that shields us from having to do something even more terrifying.  Actually stepping into the fear, into the shadow of self-doubt, and saying "so what?".  

So what if you're not enough?

What if we just started there? Yes, ideally, we'd love to all say "actually I am enough", like some magic spell, and job done, on we go. "Well bugger me, will you look at that?  Fear banished.  What's for lunch?".  However, from my experience, life doesn't quite work that way.   It's not quite that simple.  If only.  For me, I have many times tried the old "yes I am enough" bravado speech on myself, only to spend a mere moment basking in the sunshine of that belief, and then not seconds later recognising the big fat lie it is at that time, and reversing straight back into the turtle shell I poked my head out from moments ago.  Back to square one once more. 

So, in the spirit of new and novel things, maybe we can try baby steps...go slow, approach it gently, rather than rushing to a half-arsed solution that won't stick.   Let's start with turning and facing our fears, having a good hard look at them for a few moments.  Nothing else required for now, just eyeball them.  Get their measure, feel their texture, sense how much strength this particular fear has, let it settle into the space around you.  Just be with it.  Perhaps, for you, that's enough today.  Staring down your fears is a rough enough task for most of us.  And that's absolutely okay.  

But if you're feeling adventurous, perhaps you can try this on for size:  look your fear in the eye, you can even personfiy it if that helps (Donald Trump comes to mind), and say "so what?". 

"So what" to that thing we tell ourselves we're not good enough, not hot enough, not smart enough to do.  SO FUCKING WHAT?

What happens then?  Maybe nothing, but maybe, just maybe, something.  Something small perhaps, but something.  A fragile flicker of defiance, a teeny tiny burst of confidence, a little bit of fuckyoufear.com.  At the very least we allow ourselves to try it on for size, because know it or not, courage suits you darling. You look fabulous in it. 

Imagine this.  Sink into a thought with me for a minute of something that you have put off doing because you're not X (insert whatever word works for you) enough to do this thing.  I'll give you my own example, it's raw and supremely fragile, so be kind: "I don't feel hot enough to date anymore, these extra pasta and post-Christmas pounds are absolutely extra wobbly and completely unloveable, and I would rather die than someone see me naked today".  There.  Whoa.  Just the relief of sharing is exceptional.   

So, then, imagine that your true self actually speaks back to the fear..."so what?". 

"So what I am too fat to go on a date?".  How could your fear possibly respond to that?  It can't.  So, even though I may not yet be convinced that I am not too chubby to be loved, it's not important, because I'm going to do it anyway. 

Truly, using my example, what's the worst that can happen?  Do I get rejected by someone I don't know? If that's truly the biggest and baddest outcome, what have I got to lose?   SO WHAT? Even if that were to happen, okay, yes, it's a confidence blow, BUT, more importantly, I get to be truly proud of myself for facing my fear, putting myself out there, and saying "so what" to that nagging doubt. 

True, I haven't solved the problem, this will likely come up again, and again, but each time I face that fear and say "no you don't...not today my niggling nemesis" is a moment where I choose myself over fear.  And just like a muscle that you train over and over again (so they tell me anyway ;-)), it's becomes strong, adept and capable of things you previously didn't think possible. 

So, fabulous humans, this is my little nugget of wisdom for the day.  SO FUCKING WHAT.  Go out and be your best self anyway, because who knows who you might run into along the way.  

Big love, 

Miss Cook xoxo